APPLE CEO TIM COOK SUSPENDED WITHOUT PAY

Following the company’s recent executive board meeting, Apple’s Chief Executive Officer, Tim Cook, has been suspended indefinitely without pay. While Apple has declined to comment, workplace rumors suggest that Apple can “No longer deal with Cook’s constant fits of rage.”

An unnamed Apple employee claims, “We can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I have a family, you know? I mean, one minute he’s laughing and telling jokes, the next minute, he’s spitting in my coffee.”

Although this may come as a shock to the public, victims of Cook’s verbal and physical abuse have been coming forward for decades.

The unnamed employee went on to say that Cook apologized, claiming, “Yo dude, bro, I seriously shouldn’t have made you do that. Seriously Brah, that’s no buéno. But today is a special day, hombré, -You know that. We all have to play our role.” Instantly after, the employee broke down. I hesitated to ask: “What day was it?”

“It was bring your daughter to work day.”

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