POTSDAM, NY – Clarkson administration approved of a bid yesterday for Aramark to place a Chick-fil-A inside of Cheel Arena, where the Golden Knights host their hockey games.
During their last meeting, the administration and Aramark pledged that the famous American chicken sandwich chain would land in Potsdam, NY during the 2018-2019 academic year. Aramark released a statement that the Chick-fil-A sandwiches will be both patriotic and juicy, fueling the Golden Knights with both freedom and calories.
Also, there are multiple spots open in my public speaking course this semester.
Clarkson and Potsdam students alike have been tweeting about the new development in Cheel with excitement. Chick-fil-A has announced that they will be testing out a new specialty sandwich, the Golden Patty, which will be almost identical to the Classic™.
My name is Dr. James Avery and I will be teaching a public speaking course this semester. Please sign up for my class. It is sure to wow your future employers.
My public speaking course will cover lots of types of speaking styles. On Wednesdays I bring in a six pack of Sprite to share with my students. Also, I ensure every student a 2.0 for signing up for my course as long as they show me they care about me and my course.
OK, So I made up the whole Chick-fil-A thing to get you to read about my course but BEFORE YOU LEAVE PLEASE HEAR ME OUT.
On Fridays, I blast Fetty Wap at full volume to pump up my students before they learn about speech patterns. I then personally go through their Instagrams and like twelve pics to increase their confidence and social network marketability. And if any student is an Uber driver, I automatically rate them five stars, no questions asked.
Chicken sandwiches are great but so is tenure. I did NOT GET MY MASTERS FROM COLUMBIA TO LOSE MY TENURE OVER NON-PARTICIPATION FROM STUDENTS.
Fuck it, I’ll bring in a twelve pack of Sprite EVERY Wednesday to class if that’s what it takes. I’ll throw UP ON THE CHAIRS TO CANCEL CLASS ON MONDAYS.
Chic-fil-A offers waffle fries, I offer an official government veto if the draft comes back. My wife is leaving me if I do not get tenure and it’s all riding on this class.
If I have to, I’ll hack into Knightlink and make all of my students graduate with an engineering degree instead of whatever bullshit degree they have so they can all work for BOEING.
Please enroll in Speaking for the Masses COMM 234 today..
-Dr. James Avery
Professor of the Arts
No Friend of Chick-fil-A