STEWARTS SAYS “FUCK IT, LET’S CLOSE THIS ONE DOWN TOO”

POTSDAM, NY- During a fifteen-minute Town-Hall event on Tuesday, the Owner of Potsdam’s last remaining Stewart’s threatened to take ‘action’ while delivering a 4-hour long, incoherent rant to the general public.

“Why won’t you buy our ice cream?! Is it because I voted for Carter? That was 41 years ago! It’s over! He won!”

The visibly upset local business owner’s tirade covered a variety of topics which included: a lack of ice-cream sales, high-gasoline prices, the ongoing Israeli occupation of the West Bank, President Jimmy Carter, gouda-cheese, and “…you people keep fucking with your Milk Club Card!”.

“YOU NEED ME”, he yelled, gripping the top-center of the podium. “That’s right, yeah. You. Need. Me. You need me. Just try me. I dare you. Try me. Fucking do it. I’ll fucking close this one down too. Then what will you do? Go to Kinney’s? HA! Good luck.”

Many speculate this rant resulted from frustrating economic times brought on by the Storefront’s most recent harrowing attempt to sell you their ‘delicious’ Stewart’s brand Ice Cream. Others, like Massena local, Chuck White, suggest,

“He’s probably out der, not just plow’n the snow, yah know?”



See Town-Hall Transcript below:

Hour: 3 Minute: 55>

Stewart’s Owner: *Drinks 12-oz Glass of 3 raw eggs*> >

Stewart’s Owner: “You people.”> >

Stewart’s Owner: “All you damn people give a crap about is your Nintendo Walkmans and DVD Players and ‘Oh, David, my free, 1-week Audible trial is up tomorrow, -can I use yours to charge my iPhone’. Bullshit! …And people think I’m crazy.”> >

Stewart’s Owner: *rests head on podium*> >

Stewart’s Owner: “You just don’t get it, do you?”> >

(Slight Pause)> >

A Humble Townsfolk: “What’s that there?”> >

Stewart’s Owner: “Who said that?”> >

(Pause)> >

Stewart’s Owner: Who has the giant, New Year’s Eve at Time-Square sized balls to interrupt me?> >

(Pause)> >

Stewart’s Owner: “So, you want answers?”> >

Humble Townsfolk: “uh, what?”> >

Stewart’s Owner: “You want the truth?> >

Stewart’s Owner: (Takes 13th shot of Gold Giro Tequila)> > >Stewart’s Owner: You can’t handle the truth! We live in a town that has snow, and that snow has to be moved by men with plows. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Humble Townsfolksman? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. I offer you free coffee and you shit on my face. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know, that high-fructose corn syrup, probably leads to early-onset diarrhea. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, still causes me early-onset diarrhea. You don’t want the truth because deep down inside, you liked the second season of HBO’s True Detective and you want the third season of HBO’s True Detective. > >

Stewart’s Owner: *Knocks over podium*> >

Stewart’s Owner: *Rips photo of Pope Benedict XVI*> >

(Pause)> >

Stewart’s Owner: *Looks ill* *Vomits to the left of the garbage can*> >

Stewart’s Owner: “What are you looking at?”

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