I’ve travelled a lot in my 5 and ½ years in college, -at least 100 different airports around the country on various spring-break ragers. I tend to drink a lot before my flight to ease my crippling fear of clouds, so… naturally… I end up in airport jail. Here are my 3 worst Airport-Jail experiences:

Massena International Airport: I was arrested for falling asleep in their “lobby” for 3 days straight. When they woke me up they took me to their “jail.” They just handcuffed me to a “pole” outside because they had no spare “rooms”. Outrageous treatment for the crime of being a sleepy boy. Emphasis on the Air-quotes.

Miami International Airport: I had been arrested for wearing 17 Hawaiian shirts on the plane. Miami has a strict rule: no more than 16 Hawaiian shirts …so they threw me in their “jail.” It was a small, 3×3 square, with a toddler’s toilet seat in the middle. To quote American Psycho: “They don’t have a good bathroom to do coke in.”

Rapid City Regional Airport (South Dakota): This time I had been arrested for trying to smuggle George Washington’s nose from Mt. Rushmore onto the plane. I know what you’re thinking: George Washington’s nose will never get through Border Patrol. Well.. I guess you’re smarter than me because I had violated the weight limit and… you guessed it: thrown in “jail.” In all honesty, it was just their broom closet! It was even smaller and way more cluttered than Miami’s airport! And for some reason there was a small, ominous noose lying on the middle of the floor.

Needless to say: I’d only visit South Dakota two more times.

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